If you’ve ever been a victim of ghosting, you’ll know how maddening (and saddening) it can be. But now there’s another toxic dating trend to contend with: ghostlighting, which combines ghosting with its manipulative big brother…gaslighting.
“At its core, ghostlighting is emblematic of an era where convenience trumps commitment,” says psychologist and relationships adviser Barbara Santini. “It’s a marriage of ghosting, an act of emotional withdrawal, and gaslighting, the art of sowing seeds of doubt. When someone ghostlights, they’re not just exiting your life without notice; they’re also spinning a web of deceit upon return, making you question the very fabric of your relationship.”
For those unfamiliar with the dating dictionary wordage, “gaslighting” is a term used to describe the act of psychological manipulation in order to control and mislead someone in a relationship, while “ghosting” is when someone unexpectedly cuts off all communication within a relationship, causing the other person to feel disrespected and used. “Ghostlighting” combines the two toxic terms in one almightily troubling new trend.
Am I being ghostlighted?
If the person you have been seeing suddenly stops speaking to you, responding to your messages, or meeting you for dates, it’s only natural that you might want to ask them why—but if their responses (if any!) try to shift the blame over to you, or make you feel like you’ve been mistaken or are in the wrong, you may be being ghostlighted.
“It normally happens when someone is confronted for ghosting,” says Jamie Johnston, cofounder of inclusive dating app Mattr. “For example, ‘Hey, is everything okay, you seem distant?’ might be met with ‘Well, I thought you didn’t seem interested enough in me.’ Their actions are now your fault.”
How to spot signs of ghostlighting
Tina Wilson, relationship expert and founder of dating app Wingman, tells Glamour UK, “The most common sign is the narrative they will start to create. Often a ghostlighter in a romantic relationship will manipulate you to make you believe you are portraying an overly needy vibe and ultimately responsible for pushing them away. Shockingly, they will create a scenario that avoids admitting to any wrongdoing on their part. Other red flag behaviors include catching them in a lie or observing manipulative behavior in other areas of life that causes confusion or serves their own interests. Clearly, they do not show any care or conscience in their actions, which can be a sign that this pattern extends into other areas of their life, such as their love life. Mixed signals early on in your relationship, especially if those signals cause you to feel confused or question your own sanity, is another red flag.”
Santini lays out some of the further warning signs you can look out for when it comes to ghostlighting:
- Emotional distanciation: “Even when they’re speaking to you again, there’s an emotional chasm. Their return feels superficial, void of genuine remorse or understanding.”
- Victim card: “They often paint themselves as the victim, alluding to past traumas or current stresses as reasons, diverting attention from their behavior.”
- Selective memory: “They might feign forgetfulness about shared moments or experiences during their absence, suggesting these never happened or weren’t significant.”
You may also feel like you are being emotionally manipulated by a ghostlighter—perhaps using guilt or flattery to try and persuade you of their narrative.
Why would someone ghostlight?
Unfortunately, it seems that this toxic dating trend is one of the many consequences of the increasingly online world we live in.
“I think this is happening a lot more due to the choice everyone has with dating,” says Johnston. “With apps, events, and social media, you can engage with hundreds of people at the same time and just swap them in and out as you please.” Not that that makes it okay.
Santini adds regarding the nature of digital relationships: “Our screens often dehumanize interactions. People forget there’s a real person with emotions on the other end. Plus, we live in a world of fleeting Snapchat stories and 24-hour Instagram posts. This ephemeral nature can, unfortunately, spill over to our relationships.”
She adds that ghostlighting may be a sign of a fear of vulnerability in the other person. “Commitment requires vulnerability,” she says. “Ghostlighting allows individuals to escape the weight of emotional depth, opting for superficiality instead.”
How do I react if someone is ghostlighting me?
Ultimately, if someone is treating you this way and is unable to acknowledge their actions or take responsibility, it’s probably better to end that relationship and seek happiness elsewhere—and remember, it’s not your fault.
“It’s essential to remember that ghostlighting is more about the individual’s inability to handle genuine emotional connections than any shortcomings on your part,” says Santini. Her advice:
- Prioritize your self-worth: “Do not let someone else’s actions dictate your self-worth. It’s okay to seek closure, but know when to prioritize your emotional well-being and move on.”
- Seek support: “Talk to friends or professionals. Often an external perspective can offer clarity in emotionally turbulent times.”
- Establish clear boundaries: “If someone reenters your life, it’s crucial to set boundaries. Engage in open dialogue about your feelings and seek acknowledgment of past actions. In the digital labyrinth of modern dating, ghostlighting is just one of many traps. While it’s an unnerving phenomenon, being informed and grounded in self-worth can serve as your compass. Remember, in the age of fleeting interactions, genuine connection remains invaluable.”
This post was originally published in Glamour
