Anyone who has ever been gaslit will remember the feeling. Wondering whether you might be overreacting after all. The self-doubt over what—until just now—you absolutely knew to be true. Perhaps you are a crazy psycho bitch and have misread the situation? Maybe you do overthink. Is it all in your head?
It seems more of us want the answers to these questions than ever. American dictionary Merriam-Webster has just made gaslighting its word of the year after searches rose by 1,740% in the last 12 months, and it was looked up multiple times, every single day. The dictionary broadly defines gaslighting as “the act or practice of grossly misleading someone, especially for one’s own advantage.”
Unlike with many previous winners, there wasn’t a spike caused by single event. But we shouldn’t be surprised. That’s the thing about gaslighting. It’s not a single seismic, headline-grabbing moment. It’s death by a thousand tiny cuts, the likes of which are being inflicted on women quietly, insidiously, and behind closed doors constantly. (While it can happen to anyone, research has shown that gaslighting is mostly used as a form of emotional abuse in heterosexual relationships by men towards women.)
The term actually comes from a 1944 film, Gaslight, in which a husband manipulates his wife into believing she’s crazy, in part by repeatedly telling her that she’s imagining the gas lights in their home dimming. (She’s not.) But while it’s been going on for decades—centuries—it’s only in the past few years that we’ve had the language to describe what is happening. To articulate how gaslighters rewrite the narrative for their victims and fill their heads with doubt about reality and their own sanity.
It means that more people than ever can now identify just what gaslighting is, the harm it causes, and call it out. Even better, women experiencing it right now can be reassured that what they are going through is so common that there is actual jargon for it, and lists of signs and symptoms. That is powerful. That can offer strength and give courage. It gives victims something to recognize and cling to, where so many depictions of abuse in pop culture focus on the sort that leaves bruises. It means validation and vindication—two of the very things that gaslighting seeks to destroy. That gaslighting is a word at all, let alone word of the year, is something to shout about.
And gaslighting not confined to romantic relationships. The manipulation of your mental state to allow someone else’s bad behavior to continue can occur among friends and family. It can come from the mouths of politicians or doctors who want you to believe your pain is “all in your head” (people of color and women are most often on the receiving end of this medical gaslighting).
It can happen at work too—like the friend who tells me that their boss always promises the latest project she’s working on will be the one to finally prove her worth to the higher-ups and justify a promotion/new role/bonus…. Of course, it never happens, and the only thing blocking any of those things is, in fact, her boss. Self-interest and control aren’t desires limited to intimate partners.
But a note of caution: The term gaslighting is, as the actor Rebecca Humphries has put it, at risk of being “watered down.” Humphries is the author of the genre-changing book Why Did You Stay? about the impact of being gaslit by her ex, a certain comedian who was caught cheating on her with his Strictly partner and recently visited the Australian jungle. (She never names him, so neither will I.)
And she’s right. Too often we substitute liar for gaslighter. We use it as an easy insult or joke when our partner claims we didn’t tell them to take the trash out. It’s not all that funny when you consider the abuse it’s meant to describe.
We’re not talking about straightforward fibbing here; it’s far more devious and manipulative than that. And by misusing gaslighting as a term, we undermine the very word that’s designed to describe a pattern of undermining behavior.
“Gaslighting isn’t lying; it’s more sinister,” Humphries tells me. “You become so dependent on the gaslighter that you start to gaslight yourself before believing the truth about a situation. ‘I’m sure they said that they would come tonight…but then again, my brain is mad so I’m probably wrong.’ It truly feels as though you’re going insane, and the irony, of course, is that you are the one who holds the truth.”
And now we hold the word to describe it too. Let’s make sure it stays as potent as ever—and not be gaslit into believing anything else.
Claire Cohen is the author of BFF? The Truth About Female Friendship. This post was originally published in British
