We’ve just got to grips with being ghosted, but there’s already a new term to consider in the fast-paced and fickle world of dating: benching.
If you’re “benching” someone, it means that you’re not not interested in them but you’re not wanting a full-blown relationship either—essentially, you’re on the fence. You’ve gone past the talking stage but you don’t want to commit, so every so often you send them a text when you fancy a little flirt, suggest a coffee when you need a dose of attention, or even have a full-blown night of sex and then go MIA until you decide to see them again. Sound horribly familiar?
As Steph Koyfman, senior content producer at the language learning platform Babbel, explains, “Benching is an updated version of ‘stringing someone along,’ and it reflects the choice paralysis of having multiple online dating prospects to juggle. Benching someone is essentially like benching a football player—they’re not your first, or maybe even second, choice, but you still want to keep them around as a backup option, so you give them just enough to keep them interested.” Ugh.
Tina Wilson, relationship expert and founder of Wingman, says benching someone basically means you have a backup plan. “There is another person you’d happily begin a relationship with if the current one doesn’t work out,” she explains. “Don’t be mistaken. You like the person you are dating but not enough to make it official, so you prefer to keep them as an option and from time to time put them on the bench until further notice.”
Wilson continues, “This would be red flag for any partner as being a backup plan or knowing you could be dropped any second if you don’t come up to scratch isn’t a path for happiness.”
Want to figure out if you’re being benched? The first sign is if you notice a sudden drop in contact—the calls and texts suddenly stop or decrease without any explanation. Then, as soon as you think you are over them, they spark up conversation again right out of the blue. “You’re blindsided by your feelings,” says Wilson, “so even though you know it’s wrong, if you are really into this person, you will keep going back and pick up where you left things until the inevitable happens again.”
But if you’re being benched, you’re the one left hanging, unable to break free because (a) you like the person benching you so it’s hard to resist and (b) every time you’re about to plan a date with someone else, miraculously they rear their head. Temptation overload.
It’s just a nightmare of no closure without even the courtesy of a breakup text. At least when you’re ghosted, albeit painful, you can eventually just move the hell on, right?
This post was originally published on Glamour
