If you’ve ever delved into the psychology behind your relationships, you’ve probably stumbled across the concept of love languages, which was popularized by Gary Chapman in his 1992 book The Five Love Languages.
The relationship expert defined the five love languages, which represent five different ways we express and receive love, as words of affirmation, physical touch, acts of service, quality time, and receiving gifts. At the time, this concept went completely viral and has gone on to help people decode their relationships since the ’90s.
“We all have one or two prominent love languages,” says Roxie Nafousi, an emotional health coach and best-selling author. “Finding out what your love language is—and your partner’s—will help you to unlock a deeper understanding of each other’s needs and help you to communicate your love to one another in the best possible way.”
For example, Nafousi explains, “If you know that your partner’s love language is quality time and yours is words of affirmation, then you might ensure you carve out time each day to give them undivided attention. You might ask in return that they make an extra effort to verbally express their love and appreciation.”
But one modern dating expert is arguing that the five love languages from Chapman’s 1992 book are outdated 31 years on. Seeking’s dating expert Emma Hathorn has examined these languages and why some work while others, particularly in today’s world where love is a lot more complex than it was in the ’90s, do not. “Love languages are changing,” she says. “As our relationships evolve in the 21st century, the way that we relate to each other is going to shift too. It’s important to discover which language you speak in your relationship and to find someone who can fundamentally understand you.”
In addition to examining the usefulness, and modern relevance, of the five love languages, Hathorn says she and Seeking discovered three new ones based on global audience-based insight, expert analyses, and data. Adding these three new love languages to the lineup could help us better understand the modern dating zeitgeist and the evolution of current relationships
“Traveling together is not the same as quality time,” Hathorn says. “It’s about discovering something new for the first time together—be it adventure, taking risk, or sharing a new experience. Discovering a culture, trying unfamiliar cuisines, and being thrown into different situations together can both test and strengthen a relationship, bringing you closer or equally shifting the relationship dynamic toward breaking point.”
In a recent survey, Seeking discovered that PhD candidates receive 30% more interaction than any other degree type. “The fire of intellectual debate can fuel a relationship beyond its early stages and make for a lasting, passionate connection that stands the test of time,” Hathorn explains.
This is a greater conversation surrounding modern dating, but it involves being in the position to both elevate your partner and yourself through your relationship. “Be it emotionally, intellectually, or physically, it’s a love language that involves bettering your significant other in some way and gaining joy from seeing them succeed in their life and career when you have had a personal hand in it,” Hathorn says.
Another aspect of this love language is that you find closeness in working together with your partner toward a greater purpose or ideal. You share love and receive love when you are in a partnership surrounding a cause. “Many great loves have arisen through a shared ideology and not only have gone on to flourish but have stood the test of time and often gone down in history,” she says.
This post was originally published in Glamour
