There are no good single men left in New York City. At least, that’s what everybody keeps telling us. And when Deanna* moved to the city in late 2021, it was her turn to see if there was any truth to the statement. Newly single after her boyfriend of three years broke up with her via Snapchat, Deanna joined Hinge and Tinder. It was around this time that a private Facebook group called Are We Dating the Same Guy NYC appeared as a recommended follow. The group had an intense prescreen survey and community guidelines that served as a barrier to entry and was 43,000 members strong. Deanna was intrigued, so she joined.
The community—which began with the very specific intention of helping women verify whether their romantic prospects were seeing other people—was started in March 2022. Nearly every major US city has a similar group now, and the rules for all are clear: Anyone has the right to post anonymously, no doxxing or posting sensitive information, and under no circumstances can screenshots leave the group. No bullying, no victim blaming, no hate speech. Never tell a man he’s been posted in the group. In the wake of “West Elm Caleb,” a man with whom many women in New York shared negative dating experiences and connected the dots online, it seemed many women were in the market for a way to suss out others like him. As one TikTok user mused at the time, “This is why we need an app where we can leave reviews of guys we’ve dated on Hinge.”
That’s more or less what this group had become by the time Deanna joined. Each iteration of Are We Dating the Same Guy serves as a catchall place for women who seek romantic advice or want to offer warnings about men with whom they’ve had bad dating experiences. “Loyalty-testing” long-term boyfriends—that is, the practice of sending other women to tempt them on social media—has also become common. It’s all too easy to fall down a rabbit hole of screenshotted Hinge profiles, tales of hookups gone wrong, and memes about the woes of modern dating. Some of the most popular posts consist of photos of a man under his first name, asking if anybody has matched with or dated the individual in question. Red-flag emoji are a frequent sight on sparse yet alarming posts warning the group of an ex or a bad date, often accompanied with the downward arrow and the ominous words, “See comments for more info.”
Online dating has dominated our prospects in recent years, with one recent study finding that about 39% of heterosexual couples met their partner online. So it makes sense that the social element of romance would adapt to the digital age. Instead of chatting with a handful of friends over drinks or venting to coworkers, we are now seeking the counsel of 43,000 women going through similar—and in some cases, the exact same—experiences.
“It’s demystified this idea that dating is easier for some women than it is for others,” says Ellie,* another group member. “Not to say there aren’t privileges that exist, but it was certainly helpful for me in terms of reframing my understanding of dating. It’s not a competition with other women, but holding men to a much higher standard than I had before.”
It’s not lost on me, however, that some of the behavior that’s encouraged and facilitated in Are We the Dating the Same Guy would be cause for concern if exhibited by potential suitors. Photos, details of private conversations, and screenshots posted without the other party’s consent or knowledge are plentiful. People dig up social media profiles on a near daily basis. And it doesn’t take much for a date to get put on the hot seat. Though Deanna enjoys being in the group, she has some reservations. “Sometimes you see people posting ‘If he wanted to, he would’ about paying for things or picking you up in an Uber,” she says. “But I think you run into the problem where it can become this echo chamber of ‘Men have been pushing us around for so long, we’re going to give it right back.’”
Deanna’s comments touch on a common debate: Would Are We Dating the Same Guy be considered appropriate if the sexes were reversed? Interestingly enough, this thought exercise was put to the test when a male-centric group called Are We Dating the Same Girl NYC materialized. The Facebook group used the same community guidelines nearly verbatim, and even added a disclaimer that the group was directly inspired by its predecessor.
But when the original group caught wind of its male counterpart, an overwhelming number of comments said it was disgusting and unacceptable for men to post photos, screenshot dating profiles, and discuss women in this way. While a few joked that now all of their boyfriends were going to find out about each other, plenty called them incels.
We still live in a patriarchal society—so until we’re truly equal, these online interactions will have different reverberations depending on each person’s background. Even so, can a group like this really be vigilante empowerment on one side of the coin and reprehensible incel horror on the other? Are We Dating the Same Guy is hyperlocal and interpersonal—only really useful for those who live and date in the city the group is based in. The women, and the men they post about, could be your neighbor, coworker, friend, family member, or most recent Hinge match. And yet there’s a depersonalization that comes with operating on the internet, making it all feel like a game. It’s not a stretch to say this is objectifying to the dates involved in both groups—especially when the details of private interactions, conversations, and even photos are being shared without their knowledge or consent, sometimes for the purpose of sheer entertainment.
It’s hard to reconcile this with all the positive potential a group like this could have for women. “I’ve heard horror stories where you google a guy and find out that he’s got domestic violence charges,” Deanna says. In this case, who wouldn’t want a place where we can warn others to steer clear? The trouble is where to draw the line. Most would appreciate a heads-up about a serial cheater, but does it also make sense to “warn” the women of your community about a guy who Venmo-requested you to split drinks after the date? What about someone who ghosted you?
“If they’re a terrible person, I’d probably rather not waste my time,” says Ashley,* another group member. “But also, I’m the type of person who doesn’t like to read reviews before seeing a movie or reading a book because my mind will be racing the whole time thinking about what’s going to happen. It’s kind of the same if you look too far into somebody—just because he did something to you doesn’t mean he’s going to do it to everyone.”
If dating is supposed to be a learning experience in which we grow from the mistakes of the relationships that didn’t work out, is it fair, or even helpful, to hold everyone accountable for the ghosts of their past if those horror stories had nothing to do with your relationship? For better or worse, dating a decade ago was nothing like this. Maybe Are We Dating the Same Guy is the next step in the avalanche of surveillance capitalism that’s consumed our entire lives. Or maybe it’s the necessary whisper network that women have been using for centuries, just amplified. Are We Dating the Same Guy could be the key to finding the few good men left. If there are any, that is.
Perhaps Ellie put it best. “During my last breakup, I remember saying to my mom, ‘There’s no such thing as a man who’s nice, thoughtful, and remembers the right things.’ I was totally convinced that was true. My mom was like, ‘I think you just need higher standards. Those people do exist, and not being willing to accept that as the truth is hindering you.’ But I don’t blame any woman who thinks that way. You do have to kiss a lot of frogs.”
Jamie Kahn is a Brooklyn-based journalist, writer, and editor whose work has been featured in Brooklyn Magazine, HuffPost, The Los Angeles Review, and Live Science. She serves as the contributing features editor for Epiphany Magazine.
*Names have been changed.
