There’s been plenty of speculation online about who Pete Davidson should date next now that he’s single. After news broke late last week that Davidson and Kim Kardashian parted ways, the internet put forward several possible partners for the Saturday Night Live funnyman to tattoo onto his body next—from the newly single Emily Ratajkowski, who previously gushed over Davidson on an episode of Late Night With Seth Meyers, to Jennifer Coolidge, who recently disclosed that her body count hovers around 200 thanks to American Pie. Even Queen Elizabeth was thrown out as a contender—I’m sure Prince Charles would love a new stepdad(dy).
But while there’s plenty of fish in the sea, there’s only one woman who can whip up a nice warm dip to serve with crackers and rosé and still look like a MILF while doing so: Martha Stewart. Unlike the aforementioned fabulous women, the 81-year-old Martha has a whole lot of history with Pete, who is 28. They first met during The Roast of Justin Bieber in 2015, and they’ve since had some TMZ-worthy moments, cozying up together at Nobu in Malibu earlier this year. (Stewart later described him as a “cute guy with painted fingernails.”) It’s written in the stars and, apparently, $33 yellowtail sashimi with jalapeño.
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Let me start off by saying I have been an undercover #Mete fan for a while. It all started after I saw Stewart aggressively clutch Davidson’s hand at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner in April, the same event at which Davidson and Kardashian made their red-carpet debut. In my heart, though, I knew it was Davidson and Stewart who were meant to be together. If this was 2014 and I was deep in the Tumblr trenches, I would have written 40 chapters of Pete and Martha fan fiction on Archive of Our Own.
They already have so much in common: They both smoke weed, they’re both besties with Snoop Dogg, and they’ve both appeared on Comedy Central. Not to mention, Martha was staunchly #TeamPete while Kanye West was dragging him all over Instagram while he dated West’s ex-wife. Stewart called Davidson a “very different kettle of fish” compared to Yeezy, which is a high compliment, I think.
You may be thinking, Wait, isn’t Pete Davidson a third of her age? It’s true, they have a 53-year age gap, but it’s the 21st century and age ain’t nothing but a number if you’re both two fully consenting adults. Besides, would we really be that surprised to learn Martha Stewart is a cougar? She can definitely handle Davidson—lest we forget, she served a cold hard sentence of five months in federal prison. After the media frenzy with Kardashian, Davidson probably needs a woman who’s seen some things.
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The Bodies Bodies Bodies actor has wooed his share and then some of Hollywood royalty. To him, Kim Kardashian, Kate Beckinsale, Kaia Gerber, Ariana Grande, and Phoebe Dynevor aren’t just women on posters in his man cave—they’re ex-girlfriends. But none of them lasted, probably because Martha’s charisma and affinity for decorative beaded pillows remains unmatched.
During an episode of Watch What Happens Live With Andy Cohen in 2013, Stewart admitted she’s had a one-night stand and sexted—she also did not deny that she’d ever had threesome, answering the inquiry with a smirk and a “maybe.” If Pete is looking for someone who knows how to get steamy, he needs to look no further than how she handles her budding plants in her gardening show, Martha Knows Best.
Here’s where I add that Pete’s dating life isn’t some sort of fantasy football team bracket. Although I am desperate for a Pete reality show, his very public breakups have probably left him feeling vulnerable. He may need to take his time after his most recent split—and that’s okay! But when he’s ready for love, I hope he finds it…with Martha Stewart. Can you imagine a “My Girl Is a Convicted Felon” tattoo? I can.
